It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
sex in a hospital.. check
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
