I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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