i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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