Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
