Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
