She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
