i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
