Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.