So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
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I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.