I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
