Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
