i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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