Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
