his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
