Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
