At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
