our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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