just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
