I cannot find my penis.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I love you. Go after that dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
