so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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