Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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