see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
