It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
