My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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