I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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