My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
