he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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