8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
