i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
