Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
