This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
