Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
