I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
