At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
