you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
