don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
