i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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