Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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