I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
