I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
