the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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