I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
