I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
