My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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