the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
