Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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