i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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