My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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