and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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