I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
