It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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