I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
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His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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