i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
