Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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