dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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