It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
