This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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