Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
