I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
